Chapbook: Trumperlicks #45

1

I know a tycoon buffoon named Trump,

A blowhard in a goldplated dump;

     The people called him forth—

     Celebrity trumps worth!—
For whom the world is a hole to hump.

 2

There once was a peacock named Donald

Who traced his roots to bonny Scotland—

     He wanted nothing else

     But to grab beaver pelts,

Before his huge feathered head went bald.

 3

Let’s Sieg Heil the cad with orange hair

Who likes to brag that he grew a pair—  

     He applauded himself

     When he spelled “mini-golf”

Like a brat in a gilded highchair.

4

Our leader, dimwit confidence man,

Has our decline as part of his plan—

     He conquered the place

     By corrupting the race,

Soon to be king of a garbage can.

5

President Triumph loves his daughter,

And would love to put his paws on her—

     When he saw her in bloom

     He bustled from her room

To check if her mom wasn’t hotter.

6

I’m for burning coal, and fracking oil,

And helping ‘mancipate Blacks from toil;

     I love the Hispanics

     In the old cowboy flicks,

And GMO popcorn that don’t spoil.

7

“The Russians are bad and do sad things.

And Venezuela, hugely stinks!

     And Assad is so sad,

     And Iran is so bad,

But I have one of the best golf swings.”

8

If you get sick you can suck it up.

If you die, it’s a win-win lollypop.

     I got the greatest deal,

     Most awesome spiel,

But get the shit done by Special Op!

9

“Fuck all the people who you can’t sell

And buy them a ticket straight to hell,”

     He explained to his boys

     Before taking their toys

Because human and daddy don’t gel.

10

Dad loved Nazis, but mostly their shoes.

Mom was a potato, she didn’t bruise.

     I married gold-diggers.

     It’s like having chiggers.

Did you guys catch me on the Fake News?

11

I love uniforms who cry and pray

When they kill children on a bad day

     And then get really sad:

     “Am I really so bad?”

They wouldn’t bother asking anyway.

12

My daughter’s got a nice you-know-what,

And it’s not what you think, not a twat,

     But a really good brain,

     The biggest female brain.

Married a rich kid, hit the jackpot.

13

My boys, they love to travel and hunt.

They love animals, but I like Kant

     In some village somewhere.

     We pay our tourist share

Into the woman’s future life-fund.

14

North Korea’s the one place I’d nuke,

It’s run by a crazy commie gook.

     Not meant in a bad way,

     But it’s much easier to say

Than Kimmy Jung un, history’s fluke.

15

I pardoned Arpaio ‘cause I could,

Just a good cop in bad neighborhood—

     Those hombres are real tough

     And we’ve had ‘bout enough.

I can build it with Canada’s wood!

16

I’m in love with crooked banks, not Wall Street.

They would be so smart to kiss my feet.

     Lines of credit can heal

     Any type of dark deal:

If you work the oven, own the heat!

17

I defeated Marco, Jeb, and Hill,

And people still think I lack the will

     To govern the country—

     (Imagine a cunt tree!)—

I start each day with an ugly pill.

18

I love gold, even if it’s just paint.

Something about it makes me faint,

     The sparkle looks so rich!

     Lady Luck’s a tough bitch

And won’t put out for no stupid saint.

19

For hawks, a winnable little war.

To doves, I vow not a bullet more.

     For the unemployed, jobs

     Before they turn into mobs

And come at me like pimps on a whore.

20

This earth, such a fertile tank of gas,

Should be awarded a Miss Planet sash—

     I’d grab her oozing woods,

    And finger deepest roots;

Come morning, she can kiss my fat ass!

21

They say I’m connected to the mob

And think that’s how I landed the job,

     But I’m zackly like you:

    I want one, then take two,

In the race to be the richest slob.

22

My wife’s from a latent fascist state,

Which is good, for the sake of hate.

     I picked her out one night

     At a party.  My light

Like a diamond made her want to mate.

23

You can’t say I’m bad for business.

TV News used to make a lot less.

     I just open my mouth,

     Profits go north of south

Even when I peddle a Herpes’ kiss!

.

24

Love Indians, not their casinos.

And Blacks, you know, worked mostly pro-bono

     For a few hundred years

     Shedding blood and hot tears,

And still got less than a white crack ho.

25

It’s a worldwide cut-rate puppet show,

And I’m the star!  I go with the flow!

     I apply the make-up,

     Hug me a crewcut cop,

Then pay PR to polish the glow!

26

The quacks gathered to say I’m insane

‘Cause I love pussy (or a choochoo train).

     My mind is so damn fast

     My best thoughts run right past. . . .

What was that I was saying again?

27

I send cruise missiles wherever I choose;

You set the clock for permanent snooze!

     You don’t know when or where.

     I doubt you’d even care.

That makes two of us: that’s the real news!

28

My predecessor broke his word,

Then Hillary, OMG, absurd!

     I’m boss only for four

     If not many years more.

Don’t worry, I’m not really a turd.

29

My presidency inspires revolt

But I don’t fear the American dolt,

     His keystrokes are all mine

     I’ll break him with a fine

And blackmail the horse inside the colt.

30

I graduated maggots cum louder,

Got a frat-diploma and a trophy garter

     And chicks like wall to wall.

     I was built not to fall,

So you will just have to work harder.

31

My bestest friends are those who can pay.

If they have no cash I don’t let them play

     In my sandbox no-how,

     Except maybe a cow

If she’s the kind with big boobs that sway.

32

I’m a great judge of ladies’ beauty

And even God knows I’m a cutie,

     So I peek as they dress

     And pay them to confess

How they’d love to give me some booty.

33

Destined for things cosmological,

I followed the stars like I’m nautical:

     I sailed so friggin high

     Some are dying to die,

Convinced I’m crypto-despotical.

34

The other ones bombed so I will too

Even if the whole world says poopoo,

     We’re Americans, see,

     And we like to be free

To fuck you up in lieu of a coup.

35

I go through women like a storm through trees,

So many I count them in groups of threes.

     I’ve yet to meet the girl

     Who refused a real pearl

For a short few seconds on her knees.

36

Republicans are so full of shit,

They wagged their tails and that’s about it.

     The Democrats all suck,

     Ask Schumer, what a schmuck!

I wish somebody would pop that zit!

37

There once was a bore we all abhor

Who soiled the office many adore,

     He swore and decreed

     In secret as he peed

His revenge on the people who roar.

38

I like Iranians, the ones that we fixed,

Who live in New York and ape our tricks,

     They don’t love that Allah

     Like the Ayatollah

Who outlawed booze and titty pics.

39

I trust real people who never read,

They will journey abroad just to bleed

     For the red, white, and blue,

     Baseball, Gaga too,

While in my tower I count the green.

40         

Once was an exile, loved his I-phone,

We gave a CIA Predator drone

     To fight for democrats

     And his dad’s funny hats:

Murder’s heroic in a warzone.

41

I saw the studies but trust my gut

To steer the country out of this rut,

     The longer that we stay

     There will come a day

The Chinese and Russians want their cut.

42

Politics is so entertainment

Is what I proved for your containment:

     I am current trends

     On long golfing weekends,

Tapping my foot for late payment.

43

Dreaming of being the president

Like all kids rich who’re power-bent

     I’d lie at night in bed,

     Carved ceiling overhead,

Adding up the nation’s future rent.

44

Obama was oh boy something else, huh?

He practically wrecked the nation, duh.

     The black half of himself

     Put the white on a shelf

And that’s why the KKK picked moi.

45

I love miners and those who work hard

Being white, but I don’t like that bard,

     Whatshisname? He’s a bum,

     No talent, a real scum,

And such a sad man. Punch in Richard.